Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My sister and brother-in-law, “Drew,” are in the process of renovating their home and will be staying with me for the next few months. The trouble is that Drew does not like to wear clothes in the house. I’m not talking about lounging on the couch in his underwear—he likes to be completely in the buff. I’m gone at work most of the day, but I don’t enjoy coming home to find Drew in all his glory making dinner or playing with my dog with things shall we say … swinging. My sister says she can’t get him to put on clothes at home absent company coming over, so there’s nothing she can do. I’m allowing them to stay rent-free in my home for a quarter of a year and don’t think insisting on Drew wearing a pair of shorts around the house is a huge ask. Is this worth drawing a line over, or am I being uptight?
—Demanding a Dress Code
Dear Dress Code,
Your negotiating skills could use a little work. You’re not supposed to give the other party (your naked brother-in-law) everything they want (an invitation to stay with you for free for three months) and then request to be allowed to make dinner in your own home without seeing “things swinging.” If you’re going to welcome these two into your guest room regardless, why would they follow your rules?
I mean, normal people would want to be good guests and would be mortified at the thought of making their host uncomfortable, but we’re evidently not dealing with normal people. And that’s an issue of its own. If they don’t care how you feel about seeing Drew’s private parts, I absolutely promise they will disrespect your space in other ways. Many other ways. I’m thinking of everything from leaving hair in the bathtub to eating your leftovers to leaving the door open and letting your dog escape and then telling you you’re hurting their feelings by being upset about it.
So, yes, this is worth drawing a line over. Your script for your sister and brother-in-law is “You know I love you guys and would like to have you stay with me during your renovation, but I want to make sure living together doesn’t take a toll on our relationship. The fact that you’ve been unwilling to budge on the nudity thing was a wakeup call to me that there might be things we don’t agree on, and if we can’t get on the same page, we shouldn’t move forward …” Then you list “I need you to cover your private parts in common areas” and anything else that is important for your comfort. Think about what you need from them in terms of housekeeping, quiet hours, and limits on guests; tell them; and then say “Can you do that?” If they push back at all—and I mean at all—restate that you don’t want to be in conflict with them and won’t agree to a plan that sets you up for that.
If you do decide to let them move in, please be careful. Going back to the fact that they don’t seem to respect you much, I’m not here to give legal advice but it wouldn’t be going overboard to chat with an attorney about the worst case scenario: They are breaking all your rules, you ask them to leave before their renovation is over, and they say no and “see you in court.” If you think you’re being uptight now, just think of how you’ll feel then!
Dear Prudence,
I am a white person married to a Black person. We have three kids together. A few situations have come up lately in which white people casually spew coded racism to myself or myself and my partner, and I have frozen in the moment. For example, a white person recently went on a long rant to both of us about how a Black leader “just isn’t smart” and “can’t even write a coherent email.” She never mentioned his race, but the implication was clear. In another situation, someone was going on to us about how they love this particular school because “all of the parents are so hardworking and are the types of people I want to raise my kid around.” Three percent of the students at that school are Black.
Can you help me with a script for how to address these types of coded racist conversations? As the years have passed since my first child was born, I have developed scripts for the more explicit stuff we encounter—comments about my kids’ hair, skin color, and so on. I don’t want to silently sit by for the coded racism, but I don’t know how to respond, or if there is a useful way to respond that could make these people pause and have a think about what they’re saying.
—Crack the Code
Dear Crack the Code,
I’ll throw out a few options:
“I can’t help but think race might play a part in the way you’re seeing this.”
“I’m sure you didn’t intend this, but what you just said has a lot in common with things people who are racist say.”
“Sorry, if I look uncomfortable it’s because what you just said is the kind of thing I worry about my Black kids overhearing.”
“I always try to look deeper when I make that kind of statement and ask myself if the stereotypes about race I’ve learned are shaping how I think.”
“I don’t think I’m the right audience for this kind of commentary.”
Good luck.
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Dear Prudence,
I know you’re going to tell me to “butt out,” but this situation is really bumming me out, and I guess I just really want to check if it’s none of my business. My husband’s parents had a love story for the ages, and his family talks about his father like he was a saint (he died before I met hubs). His mother was recently moved into an assisted living facility for end-of-life care and we visit as often as we can. Apparently, she met a man in the facility and they want to have a relationship for whatever time they have left. Hubs and his brothers are so up in arms about this that his mom agreed to not see her paramour anymore.
I think this is unfair to his mom. She connected with someone in the same stage as life with her and wants love and companionship in their last days—what’s wrong with that? She’s been single for 23 years, and she seemed excited to tell us until her kids shut her down. Finding something that brings her joy and hope seems like the best possible scenario. But it genuinely breaks hub’s heart and is causing him distress, when he’s already facing the end of her life. And she’s not my mom. I asked him how it would make him feel if she kept her companion for her last days, and he got so upset we had to take a break, and I had to help him calm down. I haven’t pressed further, but I can’t help but feel like he’s wrong and his mom is allowed to have a relationship if she wants one. Do I say anything?
—Unsupportive Son, Supportive Son-in-Law
Dear Unsupportive,
It sounds like you’ve already let your husband know that you think his mother deserves love and companionship. He’s clearly too distressed to absorb that. So talking to him again won’t help. But I can offer some encouragement: I am hopeful that your mother-in-law is lying to her sons and still secretly seeing her boyfriend. While she may be more vulnerable at this stage of her life, she’s not dumb. She’s been around for at least seven or eight decades and has known your husband for at least a few of them. She knows what she wants and she knows he’s having a grown-up tantrum. Maybe she’s recognizing that her kids are acting like toddlers again and just telling a small lie to save herself some stress. Like when she used to give him a raisin and call it candy, or said the playground was closed if he wanted to go at an inconvenient time.
Obviously, what your husband is really dealing with is anticipatory grief over losing his mother, piled on top of his sadness over his dad’s death. He doesn’t seem like he handles negative emotions very astutely, so her remaining time is going to be tough for him even if she commits to staying single. The best thing you can do is to encourage him to spend as much quality time with her and have as many meaningful conversations as he can, so he’s not tortured by regret when the day comes that she’s no longer here.
Classic Prudie
I’m bisexual and genderqueer, and I live with my long-term partner, also genderqueer. I have a very uncomfortable relationship with my mother due to her alcoholism and drug abuse and the fact that she stole my identity to open credit cards before I turned 18. She also waged a hate-mail campaign against me when I came out and brought a lot of abusive men into my life growing up. I now live in another country and limit our contact to phone calls on birthdays and holidays. She recently moved and, during one of our holiday calls, mentioned that she’d found a box full of letters, poems, and pictures from my first high school boyfriend.
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